To Avery, Love Your Mom

I remember when I saw my 1st ever positive home pregnancy test in March 2009. I never liked small children and approaching 30 years of age, I had finally come to terms that I might not ever be a mom. And I was fine with that. God has the most unbelievable sense of humor. This is never the path I would have chosen, but God does not think like we do. He is not small minded and is not trapped nor confined by our human understanding. I knew as soon as I found out I was having you that I wanted a daughter, badly. At my ultrasound in July, the Tech said, "Congratulations! It's a girl. You're having a daughter". I saw our future flash before my eyes. Pink, bows, dance, gymnastics, the clothes and of course the name. Avery was my FAVORITE name, had been since 1999. 10-years later, I would finally get to use it! I loved being pregnant with you! My favorite memory with you was taking baths. You were not active and did not move that much. When I would pull the stopper out of the bath, you would jump as if the noise had somehow disturbed your tranquility. I would take baths just to know that you were OK. Once we made it to November, I thought about each passing day. Would it be your birthday? I was due the 21st, but was convinced you would be early, because I don't do anything slow. Boy was I wrong! As your due date came and went and my anxiety, impatience and excitement increased, I wondered if you would ever come. And when you did, who would you look like? Act like? How much would you weigh? Would you have a lot of hair? Would I have a vaginal birth or C-section? When would my water break? All of these questions were answered on Tuesday, November 24th, 2009. I was scared and nervous about being induced. Your birth, in hindsight, was an omen as to what kind of daughter you are. The birth was far better and dare I say, easier, than I ever thought it could be! I prayed the night before you were born that because I had waited so long to have you, could I please take delight in you and not be depressed like some women are after giving birth. I had no idea how clearly God would answer that prayer. I loved and was completely enthralled by you as soon as you were born...screaming, yet again I had disturbed your tranquility. The doctor had me hold your legs while we both got cleaned up. My first thought was how tiny you were. It felt like forever until I got to hold you!! They even let your daddy hold you before me! As soon as I held you I knew God was everything I thought and more. You were so perfect and that was the day. The day I realized my old self was dying, but it needed to die. You were my new life, my new reality. Before getting pregnant with you, I always felt like I had a hole, like something was missing. I always thought it was because I hated my job so much and that I should be doing something else. Once you were born that hole closed up and I know what was missing, you. I had finally come to terms with never being a parent and then God gave me you. Being your mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love everything about being a mom and you. We had our rough spots, I still cringe when I think about how I yelled "at you" because you would not stop screaming (colic and reflux). Despite that rough patch, you are a remarkably amazing baby. Love isn't a strong enough word to describe how I feel EVERY time I look at you! My friends all talk about how crazy it is that you and your sibling will be so close in age. They say,"I love my kid so much. I can't imagine loving another one." "I'm just so in love with my kid that I want to enjoy my time with them and not have to split my attention." "My kid is such a good baby, I'm scared to have another one." My answer to all of that...Avery is such an amazing baby and I love her so much that I want to multiply her. Avery, I know you'll never understand just how much I love you until you become a mom. My hopes and dreams for you are for you to be smart, happy, in dance and/or gymnastics, and of course for you to go to Texas A&M. Or at least a 4-year university, preferably A&M...And for you to always know and never to doubt what a true gift you are. You were not planned, but a surprise. Much like a surprise birthday present, you were our Thanksgiving miracle. I love you!